same old, same old

life hit me hard before i realized.

you know that strange feeling, when you're in such crowded place with such nice and crowded vibes who dig things the same way as you, but deep in the heart you're so spaced out and out of place and... alone?

that happens to me quite often recently. i don't know what life wanted me to know about, i don't know reasons why it put me in this trapping feeling, i don't know what life tried to teach me, and i don't know what on earth does it take to be the one not feeling it.

i feel like whenever i tried to push the button out, the whole world was conspiring against me and they pushed the button in, and then i would feel like such a community trash whom the world itself throw to the deepest valley.

maybe it's about growing older. maybe growing older means we lost a couple of friends who used to be our closest. maybe growing older means struggling alone in every hard times and not having anyone to whine about our hard times. maybe growing older just simply means that life is not as good as we imagined it to be. that life sucks. that life is a stupid can where everybody's trapped and poisoned by some words like "You'll Never Walk Alone" when in the end the only thing you could see on all those darkened roads you passed is your shadow. that life is a lie and growing older is the process where we finally reveal truths about life. and growing older is again, a process where we prepare ourselves to face the real life by ourselves, in the end, alone.

and i can say i'm taking a baby-step to face my life, i'm so prepared to be alone for the situation made me so, and to blend in any kind of societies so life won't swallow me with its social gun. i interact in well-covered loneliness so at least i don't seem like a lonely emo girl from the block. i'm like a master in disguise and stuffs. i'm like a well-oiled machine ready to face any kinds of weapon and to say "Bring 'em, in!" for even the worst situation. but mostly i'm just the very best liar i myself had ever met.

and i'm feeling lonely and cold now. maybe it just simply is what it feels like to grow older.

which i'm kind of getting used to.